...but I'm trying hard to.

I haven't been able to get to sleep. It takes a long while, sometimes a few hours before I get to doze off. Too many things going through my mind. It is definitely affecting my waking up time, and I do need to get up early to go for my meetings, plus I did tell Kenny that I would do my very best to be in the office early everyday. Not that I don't want to, really. And when I wake up late, I feel bad and feel like I have disappointed another person, including myself. I was never the sort who comes late last time or don't turn up, especially if I had given my word on my timing and attendance.

So I tried to sleep earlier. I went to bed at 12.30am, and tossed and turned, and when I eventually checked the time, it was already 2am and I was still awake, tired but awake. I yawned till I had tears in my eyes. And the worse thing is everytime I close my eyes, many things flashed into my mind, and these are all those negative things, unhappy and sad things, lousy things, things I wished a certain person never had to say, and this is very bad for my mental health. It wasn't this bad before. They play every night nowadays (it's been like a month), everytime I shut my eyes to sleep. I am trying to forget about it, I am trying to not be affected and think of it as a one-off thing, trying to not even think about it. It works in the day, it comes back to haunt me at night. GO AWAY! Seriously, I think I need help, but I don't know what kind. Or maybe somebody just needs to make me feel like I am not as lousy as he makes me out to be or thinks I am. Have I never ever been seen or thought of in a positive angle? I do need that recognition or just a sign. It's not even a want, it's a need. I need this.

So usually at this point, I will start to switch on the light, on my laptop and do other things like work, just to get my mind off those things, and then I will finally get to sleep.

So, do you really think I like sleeping late, or not being able to get up early, whatever way you chose to see it as? It sucks big time, seriously. Fortunately, I like what I am doing now (as in during the day). Somehow I feel different when I am doing my job, like a totally different person. Fortunately I am no longer in my previous company, else I would feel even worse about myself.

So here I am, at the unearthly hour, penning down my thoughts after so many hard-to-sleep nights. You might not have any idea of what I am talking about, but yah, maybe letting it out might help me. And this is my way of letting it out. Been bottling this up for so long. I'm just afraid I might resort to flu medicine to ease my falling asleep.